Rewind back to the spring of 2012. I started experiencing numbness is my hands. The numbness was something that would come and go. It was pretty annoying...so naturally I took to the Internet to diagnose myself. I determined that I probably had the starting of Carpal Tunnels syndrome and vowed that I was going to lay off playing words with friends...I was a little addicted as my kids had introduced me to it the prior Christmas. Coinsidently, it was around the same time that Dyllon received his mission call to serve in the Knoxville Tennessee Mission and was to leave August 1, 2012.
As the months went by the numbness was getting a little more frequent and would last a little bit longer each time. I really tried to lay off the game. I really only played with my Auntie Karol but we had many...ok....a lot of games open at a time. It seemed that she had the same addiction to the game as me...but really it is basically playing scrabble and making words... so really what was it hurting?
In the first part of July 2012 I started having numbness in my arms whenever I laid down to go to sleep. This was quite alarming for me as I have difficultly sleeping and the numbness compounded that issue. Every single time I laid down to sleep the numbness would come and so would the sleepless nights......as you can imagine I was becoming a cranky person from lack of sleep because I still needed to be up at the same time M-F when my littles came to daycare. I think that the only thing that held me together was the ability to sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays so I could get some rest.
About 10 days before Dyllon was to leave on his mission we went up to Preston to stay the weekend at my parents. We were going to the Preston Rodeo and also to Bear Lake because we had rented a boat to do a little tubing per Dyllon's request before he entered the MTC. We went to the Rodeo....I was fine....we had a great time. I tried to sleep that night but since I had numbness in my arms....insomnia and to top it off I was sleeping on a bed my parents got at a yard sale from Fred Flintstone....I guess it was all a little much for me. I woke up in the morning very upset. My arms, neck and face were completely numb....something was very wrong with me! I started crying. We were supposed to go boating today and I was ruining it. I went upstairs and we determined that I better go to the instacare in Logan. Before I left I was given a blessing by Kendall, my Dad and Dyllon. It was the first time the words...."thru your faith you will be healed" were heard by my ears.
At the instacare they evaluated me. I was told that I probably had a pinched nerve from the bed that I attempted sleep on. He gave me a muscle relaxer, suggested that I see a chiropractor or maybe get a massage. He also recommend that I follow up with my primary care doctor. I called and made an appointment for the next day to get a massage and we headed back to Preston to get the boys to go to the lake (the girls were at girls camp and we were sneaking around behind their backs). I was only able to ride in the boat as my arms were weak and achy from the numbness. I was going to get through this...I did not want to ruin any fun for Dyllon as he was leaving in just a few days. We returned back home and I got my massage...heaven.....I was feeling a little bit better.
On the day of Dyllon's mission farewell I was doing ok...in fact...in thought I rocked it! I did not cry once during his talk or during the entire meeting. This was a surprise for me as I over the last few months would just cry whenever I thought about my boy leaving for 2 years. I had cried a lot...there is a song about birds leaving the nest....I could not even think about...let alone hear the song without being reduced to a puddle of tears. So yeah holding it together during the meeting was a huge deal. We had a little get together with friends and family. It was a great time to see everyone.
The night of Dyllon's mission farewell I took a turn for the worst. Everyone was sleeping....I was not. In fact I was having the same issues I did at my parents a week ago....numbness in my arm, neck and face and to top it off I could not breathe well and my blood pressure was thru the roof. I thought I was having a stroke. I woke up Kendall and he was really worried about me. We called the nurse line and they told me I need to get to the emergency room ASAP. Kendall woke up Dyllon and had him come assist him in giving me a blessing before we left for the ER. During the blessing it was the second time I heard...."thru your faith you will be healed", I was not a fan of this and simply wanted to hear you are healed...but that did not happen. At the ER they did a bunch of tests...an EKG, a CT scan...I'm not sure what else....but everything was negative. They determined I was having a panic attack and was suffering from anxiety. Five hours later......they gave me a Lorazpan to calm me down and sent me home. The kids stayed home from school and watched my daycare for me the next day and I got some much needed rest.
Funny thing is I did not feel like I had anxiety. I thought that I was coping with my life quite well. It seemed weird to me that I would only have anxiety when I laid down to sleep....so I was not quite convinced I had a correct diagnosis. One thing for sure was I needed more sleep and needed to get my sleep patterns under control.
Right before Dyllon left on his mission I told him I wanted him to give me a blessing. In his Patriarchal blessing years prior... he was told that he had the gift of healing. Before he left I wanted to tap into that gift and have a little healing done for me. I did not tell him this...I just asked for a blessing. In my blessing by my missionary son....I was told for a third time...."thru your faith you will be healed". Oh my goodness....what was I missing. I had faith that I could be healed. I believed I could be healed right at that moment...so why was it not happening.....oh girl....I had so much more to learn.
Dropping Dyllon off at the MTC was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Basically I was liquid for the next few days...I would cry at just about anything. We had prepared Dyllon to leave...at least we did the best we could......but you know what....nobody ever told me that I needed to prepare myself....but as a note to future missionary moms....you need to prepare yourself...it is hard to have them go....it feels like a little part of you.....strike that....a big part of you is gone. I just don't even know how to tell you to prepare for it....there is no way to....at least not that I have found....I've been thru it three times. I guess all I can say is be prepared to be unprepared for it.
So I went to my Dr to get something to help me sleep. I had convinced myself that if I could just get some sleep that most of my issues would go away. It was not so easy to convince my Dr that. He wanted me to see a therapist. Oh boy was I ticked at him.....so he thought that I was crazy huh! I told him that was not going to happen.....he told me if I did not go he would not prescribe me my medications. I need my blood pressure medication...he was blackmailing me. I hated him and told him I would just find a new Dr. I really did not want to find a new Dr so I made another appointment with him....he did not waiver and told me the same thing the second appointment. Therapist or no medications. I left again very angry...but I made an appointment with a therapist. I had exactly one visit with the therapist. He agreed with me that I was just really tired and a missionary momma on top of that. I was having anxiety...but nothing that I really needed to be seen for.....take that Dr meanie!
So I saw my Dr again. He was glad I went but we explored other options for my numbness. I had ultrasounds on my heart, stress tests....I have worn braces on my arms for Carpal Tunnels.....nothing has really helped and I have never found out a reason for it. I have had massage therapy and also many sessions of chiropractic work done. Still I continue to have the numbness however it is not as often or as painful as it was.
Fast forward 5 years later. I have sent three kids missions. With the exception of 10 days.....I have had one or two missionaries serving for nearly 5 years. Each time one would leave I would have my anxiety ramp up and numbness would get worse. I have learned how to soothe myself but it still happening. I have had many blessings....each time hearing the same thing...."thru your faith you will be healed" I have yet to be "healed". I guess I am not to good with the faith part. I deal with numbness all the time.
So to my ahh...moment. Last week in Relief Society we had a lesson on facing our fears. The RS teacher had heard the same words in a blessing of hers. She responded I guess so...faith with out works is dead. I thought to myself...well I've done works. I have seen Dr's. I have tried to find out what was wrong with me. I have prayed everyday to be healed.....but right there at that moment I finally got it.....it has only taken me five years. I was not even listing to the words that have been spoken to me so many times....never changing...always the same....THRU YOUR FAITH....YOU WILL BE HEALED. I think what it means is I don't need to worry about all the things that cause me anxiety. If I have faith that things will be okay...thy will be done.....their is absolutely no reason for me to have anxiety. No reason for me to worry. It's not something I need to be doing. I just need faith....not worry. Worrying does nothing but cause me anxiety....it does absolutely nothing to help the situation I worry about....it only affects me. This numbness and anxiety will go away if I have faith that what Heavenly Father has in store for me and my family is best...his will not my will.
Sometimes I am slow....it's so simple......